I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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