I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
