My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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