How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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