I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish i was in the wii world.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
