This is not my ceiling
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
