I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
