Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
