she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
