im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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