Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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