Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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