A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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