I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
