I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
