I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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