You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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