wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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