for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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