whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I need moral support for this bender
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
