someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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