I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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