I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
