I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
