I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
