just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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