I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
