I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
