A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
