I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
