did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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