So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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