dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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