I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
