"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
