just survived the first fart of the relationship.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
