mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
