Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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