but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
