I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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