god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do vagina's smell?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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