I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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