After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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