Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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