My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
