I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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