I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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