C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
