my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
