I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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