oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
