just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
