that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
