All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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