Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
