shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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