RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
