Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
