why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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